Siobhan Comedy

To those who voted against equal rights for your gay neighbors:

Those who seek to deny human and civil rights to individuals consistently come out on the wrong side of history. One has only to look at the past century to see the overwhelming evidence, as our female and black citizens fought for – and won – their civil rights. Your work against homosexuals will not stop the eventual realization of their rights. You will only hinder the progress.

When we look back on this period of our history, those who fought against gay rights will stand among the racists and the chauvinists. Those fighting for the rights of their gay neighbors will be joining the ranks of the suffragettes and civil rights leaders.

How do you want to be remembered?

ALRIGHT. I’ve made fun of religion more times that my mom is comfortable with. Now it’s atheism’s turn. 

Just read an article about atheism, in which the president of the Atheism club claims that atheists are growing in number, but aren’t very “liked” in America. 

I’m basically an atheist/agnostic, but I take issue with 5 points: 

1. David Silverman, president of American Atheists: “If you don’t have a belief in God, you’re an atheist. It doesn’t matter what you call yourself.”

NOOOOO. I don’t want to be in your group either.  (Notice how I said “I” – not “We” I’m not grouping people I don’t know into a category!)

You can’t label anyone who doesn’t believe in God as an “atheist”.

You cant do that! You dont like this hamburger? Great. You’re a vegan. Another vegan guys! Add him to the tally!

 2. The number of disbelievers is growing, but they remain America’s least trusted minority.

 Well. YEAAAAH.  The number is GROWING because you keep FORCING PEOPLE into a group they aren’t in. …And maybe thats why you “remain America’s least trusted minority” 

3. Most polls suggest that atheists are among the most disliked groups in the U.S. 

I will agree with you there. BUT they don’t dislike us because of the God thing.

In general, we are just a DISLIKABLE GROUP.  We’re sarcastic.  We have a very acerbic caustic wit that takes some getting used to. We’re highly educated, which gives us superiority complexes. We’re terrible. Trust me. Just TRY to like us. We BARELY like ourselves. 

4. Atheists are barely visible in politics

 Yeah. Because what would we be doing?  Protesting? Protesting our right to not really care?  

What do we want?!

             …. EHHH? Nothing?   

When do we want it?

Now? I don’t know?

5. One study asked participants whether a fictional hit-and-run car driver was more likely to be an atheist or a rapist. A majority chose atheist. 

THATS BECAUSE RAPISTS DRIVE VANS. 

toooldforteaparties:

I guess I’ve gotten a little uppity ever since I realized that I had the right to vote, express myself, get paid equally, do math, etc…

But WTF?! Tosh.O is encouraging men to touch women’s stomachs without their consent and then upload the footage online.

The great thing about being a…

Winner,

Please Read.  Don’t Delete

Ok, whats this about?

Information you requested: You’re a Winner! Vacation!

What are you offering?  

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What?

You’ll also Reverse Aging and Lose “Hidden” Weight

AND

Collect Viagra, While Supplies last

No, but what are you actually asking me to do?

Join millions and Meet Singles while you Work at home!

Doing what?

Search Engine Listings in an Online pharmacy!

Well, What will you pay me

Get Paid in Easy Terms: Serious Cash, Credit, or Loans 

We Promise You an Amazing Cash Bonus, Satisfaction Guaranteed. We Guarantee its a Great offer, Guaranteed

AND

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Why pay more?

How long will this offer be available?

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No, but really?

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How to I sign up?

Click Here or Call now or Subscribe

Ok. Sounds reasonable.

Sex, Birth Control, You’re all sluts.  The Conservative Teen answers fan mail. 

Did Santorum Reallllly say the N-word?  The Conservative Teen Investigates

Young Woman 1: It’s an issue

Young Woman 2: A serious issue

Young Woman 3: Like, a gross, gross serious issue. 

Young Woman 1: Men’s health

Young Woman 2: And if men are going to decide the fate of our bodies

Young Woman 3: Then we get to deal with their bodies. (beat) Ugh.

Young Woman 1: Ew

Young Woman 2: Gross

Young Woman 3: Guys. I don’t want to do this.

womenimproviserstrust:

This comes from a submission in our mailbox. Just in time for Harold Auditions at the UCB at the end of the month! A great read and interesting suggestions! Feel free to comment.

[Written after 2011 auditions]

So. After a few beers, and a few conversations with some pretty heavy…

Limbaugh’s a gouty foul lush

who spews hate that’d make Lucifer blush

Brietbert died recently,

full of just as much decency.

But we all thought, it shoulda been Rush. 

BREAKING NEWS: Chefs globally are confirming speculations that the Chef’s Salad is indeed a prank. The self-titled salad (traditionally composed of iceburg lettuce, cubed ham, turkey, cheese, and egg) was not in fact named after any chef, nor was it created by one. 

Chefs responsible for this decoy din-din were quoted as saying “We never thought people would believe us.”  ”C’mon guys, coursely chopped cold cuts, you think thats the best that we, as a profession, could come up with? It’s barely a salad.”

Several ingesters of this fraudulent fare, said they were left with a *bad taste in their mouth*

Consumers hurt by this herbage hoax are refusing to sugarcoat their feelings, saying that chefs can’t “have their cake and eat it too.” These full of beans chefs are now left to eat humble pie.

For some, the news is a bitter pill to swallow. For others, this reporter included, they stopped popping pills in the late 80s once it was no longer en vogue. 

Some questions still remain. For instance: how far can this reporter go with no content, relying on nothing but idioms and puns? 

One thing is for sure, for these chowtime chicanery chefs, the only salads they’ll be tossing anytime soon… will be their own. 

Guys and gals! 

V-day is only a couple days away!  Fear not. I gotcha covered! 

For the independent woman: 

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/c0a067374bad80f4020c7e15c0160273

For your commitmentphobe: 

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi01Mjg0N2I3YmVlNGVmMzc3

For the sluts in your life: 

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/8bb3c992a3ea80dc7de6701b9aee6e61

And two for the Steinbeck literature buff in your life

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi02YjllYjYyOGY1ZTg5ODdj

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi1mNGE4ZDAwZGE2YTQxN2M3

For when you just dont know what to say: 

http://www.toondoo.com/cartoon/4393469

erockappel:

jakefogelnest:

Whitney Houston’s isolated vocal track on “How Will I Know.” 

This is incredible.  I almost like it better than the full version.  R.I.P. Whitney Houston.

I get that we tend to duplicate each others jokes a lot, especially on topical current event humor. But is this the year that asparagus finally became available to every comic in America? 

Amy Poehler. (via khealywu)