Siobhan Comedy

oldloves:

Bill Murray on Gilda Radner:

“Gilda got married and went away. None of us saw her anymore. There was one good thing: Laraine had a party one night, a great party at her house. And I ended up being the disk jockey. She just had forty-fives, and not that many, so you really had to work the music end of it. There was a collection of like the funniest people in the world at this party. Somehow Sam Kinison sticks in my brain. The whole Monty Python group was there, most of us from the show, a lot of other funny people, and Gilda. Gilda showed up and she’d already had cancer and gone into remission and then had it again, I guess. Anyway she was slim. We hadn’t seen her in a long time. And she started doing, “I’ve got to go,” and she was just going to leave, and I was like, “Going to leave?” It felt like she was going to really leave forever.

So we started carrying her around, in a way that we could only do with her. We carried her up and down the stairs, around the house, repeatedly, for a long time, until I was exhausted. Then Danny did it for a while. Then I did it again. We just kept carrying her; we did it in teams. We kept carrying her around, but like upside down, every which way—over your shoulder and under your arm, carrying her like luggage. And that went on for more than an hour—maybe an hour and a half—just carrying her around and saying, “She’s leaving! This could be it! Now come on, this could be the last time we see her. Gilda’s leaving, and remember that she was very sick—hello?”

We worked all aspects of it, but it started with just, “She’s leaving, I don’t know if you’ve said good-bye to her.” And we said good-bye to the same people ten, twenty times, you know. 

And because these people were really funny, every person we’d drag her up to would just do like five minutes on her, with Gilda upside down in this sort of tortured position, which she absolutely loved. She was laughing so hard we could have lost her right then and there.

It was just one of the best parties I’ve ever been to in my life. I’ll always remember it. It was the last time I saw her.”

- from Live from New York: an Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live

ccindecision:

As (probably almost none of) you know, I’m dealing with some personal shiz right now. So, in an effort to help, a very wise friend gave me the “Serenity Prayer” to help get me through it. (She is a talented life coach - you can find her here). It goes like this: 

      “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

      The courage to change the things I can,

      And wisdom to know the difference.”

I think this prayer is great. It’s very smart, very zen. But here is how I usually end up saying it:

“FUUUUUUCK. Say the prayer Siobhan. You need it right now. Alright. God - Ok, I’m guna stop here. I’m not sure if I believe in God. But hey – I think I feel comfortable with a “higher power concept” so if that’s cool, I’ll pray to you/that. Also, while we’re on the topic, I hate the fact that I automatically assume “male” when I hear the word “God” – I blame my K-9 Catholic school conditioning, and I honestly think that if a creator had to be one sex, which is insane to me, that it’d make more sense for it to be a female, Mother Earth type thing. Ok. – God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. (but don’t let me use this as an excuse not to act just because I think it will be hard or nearly impossible. But if I truly truly can’t change something after putting up a fight, ok, then I want the serenity- The courage to change the things I can – well, just the things that affect me personally? Because that’s what I’m feeling now- I’m feeling very motivated to help my family. Should I be doing more for others/strangers rights? Probably. I have that law degree. Fuck. and wisdom to know the difference. Agh.”

I’ll keep practicing. 

It is finally February – the most important month of the year for a Cosmo girl! But it’s not what you’re thinking.  Stop Googling “Valentine’s Day edible underwear”, and start Googling “How to make chili cheese nachos fit in a NFL novelty helmet” because Super Bowl Sunday is almost here! And as any Cosmo girl will tell you, nailing Super Bowl Sunday is a guaranteed way to nailing a man.

Now, we all know Cosmo girls do not actually watch football (We don’t have the time, what with all the tanning, bleaching, and kegels we’re doing!) so you’re bound to have questions:

• What outfit do you change into during half-time?
• How many carbs are in queso-dip?
• If the boys are watching football, how will they know that you’ve had a sufficient number of cosmo-tinis to make you an easy target?

Not to fear! Cosmo is here to give you a crash course in football that is sure to help you “crash course” into a football fan.

DO’S and DON’TS

1. Outfit

DO: Dress in theme!  Wear a sexy football player or sexy referee outfit. This is professional football, not amateur hour, so take this as seriously as you take Halloween.

DON’T: Forget props and accessories! A sexy leather football purse lets men know you’re the type of girl who pays attention to balls.

2. Venue

DO: Pick the right spot! Your two main options are House Party or Bar. 

DO: If you go to a bar, do pick one next to a strip of other sports bars. If the boys at one bar aren’t interested, you’re not going to want to walk far in your football 6-inch stilettos.

DON’T: If  you go to a House Party, don’t forget to do your homework. Ask the host for a complete list of invitees, research them on Facebook, and rank each one in terms of hotness. If there are over 5 hot guys, and under 3 hot girls – this house party is a GO! (Math is finally useful!)

3. Food

DO: Prepare a themed dish!  Spend all week making a football stadium hors d’oeuvres platter fit for a Food Network competition! This shows guys that you are willing to give up your free time to make 500 buffalo chicken wing spectators, 2 cheese-straw goal posts, and a homemade guacamole turf with to-scale yard lines just so he can have a snack. In other words – you are READY for wifehood!

 DON’T: Eat. Sure, you spent hours making a football shaped chocolate cake – but do not pig out on that pigskin – unless you’re a practicing bulimic.

4. Drinks

DO: Drink

DON’T: Not drink. Guys will see you as too much of a challenge.

5. The Game

DO:  Brush up on basics now, so that you can “get down to the basics” later. Make flashcards for yourself!

DON’T: Leave this cheat sheet at home! Print it out and tuck it into your football lace bra-top.

Super Bowl Basics Cheat Sheet:

1. This Super Bowl is on a Sunday. You have work in the morning, but when did getting up early AM ever stop you from a getting down in the PM?
2. The two teams playing this year are the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens. Write the teams names on each of your breasts to help remember them.
3. The players wearing matching outfits are all on the same team. They’re trying to win the match against the other men in different colors. (They wear padding. Don’t assume those big bulges are all muscles).
4. The most important part of the game is the middle part called the “half-time show.” During the show, a lot of hot, scantily clad, female celebrities dance around. It is your mission to out do them. Dance around, cheer, do whatever you can to call attention to yourself. If all else fails, your sexy costume should come in handy – when you’re helping him come from a handy!

Every Dem down in DC liked Obama a lot…

But the Speaker of the House, Mr. Boehner.  - He Did NOT!

The Speaker hated Inaugurations! The whole inaugural season!

Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or marital drama

He stood there behind them, hating Obama

Staring out from their seats with two orange Boehner frowns

They were the only sour faces in the whole god damned crowd.

Safe to say John’s bi-partisan spirit lacked luster

As he sported contempt even Glenn Beck might not muster

James Taylor, Stevie Wonder, Katy Perry, Beyonce

Not any of their music made the frowns go away.

John was possibly grumpy about the rising Debt Ceiling

Mention the “Fiscal Cliff” – his emotions go reeling.

Deb’s spray tan and pearls showed she went to great pains

But even her lipstick could not top Michelle’s bangs

So standing behind the Leader of the nation

He decided to embody true right-wing determination

In spite of the gaffe of donning two matching ties

He knew what he’d do – he’d go home and cry. 

followyourdreamsasshat:

Hi friends,

A lot of you know that after Sandy hit, I started volunteering with various organizations– first on the ground, then behind a computer (Because I’m a moron and I tore my pectoral muscle carrying supplies. Silver lining – I found out I have pectoral muscles).

If you follow me on…

followyourdreamsasshat:

Folks - we have an awesome opportunity to show people our good sides. (We all have one. Its just squished under our skinny jeans).

Sandy f*cked our sh*t up this week. Let’s go help some old people!

Actual opportunities to help below: GO DO THESE!

……

Below are volunteer…

alexleo:

I’ve got a HUGE crush on Mitt Romney

followyourdreamsasshat:

The writer, Kristen Bartlett, is a total Follow Your Dreams Asshat type of lady that we LOVE to see. Doing her thing, and getting paid for it. Cheez Doodles APPROACHED HER to do this after reading an article she wrote about a painful experience she had with a break-up and cheez doodle. Doodle your thing, girl!

witstream:

alexblagg:

TREND ALERT

We must never, ever stop laughing at this.

Divine Intervention 

followyourdreamsasshat:

Frank Sinatra’s “I did it my way” - you hear it everywhere (well, mostly you hear it blasting out of men’s clubs in Little Italy)

Frank did it his way. But, please, please, for the love of all that is good (like peanut butter+ chocolate combined in any sort of way) don’t you do that….

followyourdreamsasshat:

You can find inspiration anywhere. You can also find Hepatitis C anywhere. I found both here.

Do you LOVE your job SO MUCH?!  If you do, this blog is probably not for you. (But you feel free to read anyway! I don’t have the technological resources to prevent you)

ReaaallllyFast I’m going to tell you who I am and why I’m writing (Feel free to judge me, my grammar, or this free Tumblr layout as we go). 

I’m a NYC 20 something (who isn’t these days?). I used to be a human rights lawyer. I prosecuted war criminals, and helped sex-trafficking victims. Now I’m a comedian. (Whooo cares. We’re bored!) (Wait. Are some of the italics HER inner voice? And some of them are supposed to be ours? the readers? Well she’s got SOME NERVE.) 

BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING.  A lot of my friends are stuck in these jobs that they viscerally hate. I think I’m proof that we don’t have to slave away at horrible “responsible” jobs. 

I’m following my dream. And I may be able to help you with yours. Asshat.